This ship has sailed

Wow, so it’s been a long time since I’ve been here.  It’s March now, and spring is in the air. At least I hope so. So many things have changed these past eight months.  Relationships broken, and others restored. One of the biggest changes has been watching mom battle the big C.  She is definitely a fighter.  Cancer sucks, every part of it.  It sucks to watch the people you love fight a battle no one should ever have to fight.  I hate the fact that some people I expected to be here for me and my family during this time are no where around.  And if I say I feel like no one is here, then it’s said, “well, you didn’t ask anyone to come.”  My thoughts? Really, do I have to ask you to come to the hospital when she’s laying there sick as a dog and I don’t know if she will live or die? When her oncologist has said multiple times that she has the worst side effects he has ever seen? I have to ASK you to come?
I’ve lost my trust in you, man.  It was low already, but that pretty much crushed it.  I don’t need someone to tell me to pray.  It would be great for someone, outside of
my family unit, to be there for me.  Someone that is going to tell me, no matter what, they have my back, and I can call them and they will come.
This ship, sir, has sailed. 

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Journey

I’ve learned a heck of a lot during our infertility journey.  Things about myself, my family, our relationship,  beliefs, God’s love for us, and other people.  If I had to say just one thing about all of it though, it would be this.   BE THANKFUL.  Yes, be thankful that God entrusted you the privilege of caring for another human being.   Privilege—yes!
Entrusted–absolutely!!!!  I’m definitely not preaching here, because it’s something I am learning more and more all the time.  Do I sometimes wish I never had to learn these lessons? Sometimes, yes.   Most days – no. I have some days where I’m so angry that I feel like I can’t see straight, when I feel like my friends have moved on and don’t care.   After all, it isn’t their life.  Most of them don’t know what to say or do.  Thank goodness that those days are getting fewer now. The days where I’m sure of my relationship with God and others far outnumber the bad days now.  They aren’t all easy, that’s for sure, but God’s gentle whisper always drowns out Satan’s lies.

Smoke and mirrors

At what point do you decide to give up on a relationship with someone? At some moment you must decide that there is no longer a reason to invest in them.  Or maybe the relationship – or friendship- is one sided.  Perhaps you pour into them and get nothing in return.  Say you try and try,  but rarely if ever hear from them unless you reach out first.  When do you say, “God, I’ve had enough!”  Is it when the hurt becomes more than you can bear? After all, we are all merely humans. We all fail and let others down.  It’s part of our makeup.  Again, maybe the person doesn’t realize that they are so hurtful.  Or the whole question of “unrealistic expectations” comes into play.   I don’t think it’s unrealistic to expect “friends” to chat with each other throughout the week. It shouldn’t be one person reaching out all the time. This is just something to think about. 

An anomaly… or am I?

“Well, I just don’t know.   You’re a medical anomaly!” 
Those were the words my doctor used to describe me in September.  I can’t really remember what I said, but it was something along the lines of “isn’t that the truth?” and then laughing. 
Anomaly- a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form. Or an odd, peculiar, or strange condition, situation or quality.
I laughed it off, but the words made me die a little inside.  I’m not “normal”, of course I knew that, but hearing it come out of my doctor’s mouth made it more real.  I have kind of pushed the conversation to the back of my mind for the past several months, but I started thinking about it again last week.  I often feel like a failure because now I can’t have a baby without help.  As I was reflecting back on the conversation, I began to ponder some things.  One thought kept coming back to me, and that was, “is any of this a surprise to God?”  Of course not.  Nothing ever is.  The point is, I can trust a doctor’s assessment of me, OR I can look at what the Word of God says about me.
The first verses that kept coming to mind say, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14.

I began to remember after reading these verses that 1) God planned this to happen before I was born 2) I am fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what 3) I am a work of God, so I’m wonderful, even if it doesn’t make sense!
The last verse makes me pause, however.  Does my soul really know these things? Do I take the time to reflect on these facts, ever? Or am I allowing one person’s description of me to become more credible than God’s Word?   Sobering thought.  I think I put so much focus on that, I forgot what God really thinks.  I didn’t allow myself to meditate on what is true, but on a distorted point of view.  The world’s point of view.  Shame on me. 
Am I an anomaly?  Absolutely not. God’s word proves otherwise.  The world’s opinion doesn’t matter.

Making sense

Well, I’ve done it. I didn’t mean to, but I opened my mouth and there it came. It all started with an innocent question while Gavin was in the bathtub.
“Mom, where are you?”
“I’m in here, across the hall!”
“In my room?”
“No, I’m in the baby’s room.”
“Ok!”
Say what? Where’d that come from? That room is more like a room that someone threw up in. It’s a disaster. And yet, at the same time, it feels right that I said that. Even though I don’t know the reason I said it. Life isn’t supposed to make sense. If it did, we wouldn’t need a Savior.

Faithful

After church today I was thinking about some things that really stood out to me. The main thing was when I get discouraged,  and feel like I need to be in control of a situation,  then I need to think back to the times in my life where God was faithful to me.
Such as being blessed with Gavin. I was sick as a dog the entire time I was pregnant, but all of it was worth it. God was faithful.
A few years ago,  I was at the end of my rope. I told God my husband was nuts and I wasn’t going to stand it anymore. I asked him what would he have me to do, because I sure couldn’t see living the rest of my life with this man.  God told me that he had a plan for us, and I needed to keep praying for him, his salvation, and our marriage every day.  God restored our marriage, although not overnight.  God is faithful.
Another thing.  As a general rule,  I don’t trust many people. However,  there are a few that God has placed in our life and they have been there time and time again. God knew that they would be just what our family needed and for that I am thankful.

Today

So, I went to the doctor today. She gave me a green light for something that we’ve been discussing. My next stop was the book store so I could pick up a book on the subject.  Ok…nothing at that store.  Barnes and Noble will have something,  right? 
Wrong. I asked at the counter there and the girl looked for me and offered to order it. Sigh. Tell me, why is it ok for there to be fifteen shelves dedicated to diet and weight loss,  yet in a store that size, nothing for people who struggle with infertility?  Are we that backward of a society?  Heaven help us, that if someone goes looking for information on in vitro fertilization,  like I did today, and they want a book, they can find it. After four years, it’s time to speak out. It’s not right that we have to hide. We shouldn’t be pushed to get information from the Internet. Bookstores should carry information about child loss and infertility.  It happens. It sucks.  It isn’t pretty. I am finally getting to the point where I can say, you know what, I’m not hiding this. I’m not ashamed. Not everyone is as lucky to have the support that I do.   I tell you what though, there’s something wrong when the subject is just avoided.  If I sound like I’m taking it personally,  that’s because it is personal to me.

Love

I love to read. This past week I reread Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s a historical novel based on the book of Hosea. I’ve probably read the book at least three times. I love the story of how God pursues his people.
This time while I was reading it, I was struck by how much the lead female character (Angel) was running from God.  She had a hard shell around her that wouldn’t let anyone get near her. When people did she ran them off.  Sounds familiar.
I’m sitting here almost in awe of God’s timing and I guess I shouldn’t be. To say it’s been rough lately would be an understatement.  I finished reading that book four days ago, and it took until tonight to make the connection in my life. Considering that I haven’t really been praying or reading the Bible either, I guess that should come as no surprise.
Point is, God’s love is relentless. He doesn’t give up. I’m thankful for the still, small voice that I hear in my heart. The One that’s there even when I don’t speak back. Because,  in reality,  He’s there when no one else is.